There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
