I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I enjoy the company of your penis
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
