Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
