Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
