Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
