Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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