hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
