So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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