I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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