Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
