Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
he high fived his dick after we had sex
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
