Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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