Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
