i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
