I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
