You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
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When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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