I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
