I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
and she was petting her beer can
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
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If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
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Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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