I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
another moral hangover. fuck.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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