theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If I die, sorry about rent.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
