dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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