Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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