So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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