I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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