i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
