i need an iv and a liver transplant
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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