i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
