I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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