Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
