So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
