I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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