We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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