I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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