I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
