After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
