You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
