i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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