If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
