Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
