you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
