I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
