i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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