I want to walk on stilts...naked
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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