she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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