he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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