Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
