I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
