So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world