Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
