I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
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Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"