I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.