just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Can you bring me the toilet please
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
