I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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