The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
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can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
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My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize