Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
not ubering you a puppy
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
