I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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