I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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