there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
