I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Someone signed my nipple.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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