he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
