i just wanna soil my oats bro
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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