Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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