Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
