I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Randomize
